Expert advice for parents with teenagers (13+ years)

I really don’t want to give my 15 year old alcohol to take to her friend’s birthday party, but she tells me that she will be tagged as ‘uncool’ and laughed at by the other children? What do I do?

Let me share an experience which taught me a big lesson in handling teen pressure like this. My third daughter was having a party and wanted to have it in the motel – “all the other girls are cool about it” “all the other parents are cool about it, you’re the only one dad that seems to have a problem” (my furrowed brow must have given me away). I asked for time to think about it. The next morning one of her friend’s mothers rang to ask if I was picking up her daughter to take her to “this thing you’ve organized”. After I finished spluttering about my innocence in having anything to do with the event, her words rang loud and clear and unforgettably, “well, none of us mums like the idea at all, but as she’s your daughter and you’re supposed to be the expert on children, we thought we’d better go along with it!”

So, phone a few parents of some of the girls who will be attending any party, see what they think about the alcohol issue and I will be very surprised if you don’t get a lot of support for the idea that you will not be encouraging underage drinking. You see, children have their peer group which mounts huge pressure on them and on parents. Parents need their peer group, too, to reassure them and to know how the rest of the parental tribe feels about the issues. Once you have the support of a few parents you will feel much easier, as I did, in going back to your daughter and saying “sorry, you won’t be taking alcohol, you’re under age and we parents feel it is not a good idea”. In fact if she feels under that much pressure then she probably needs to be thinking about whether a good friend would put that much pressure on another friend.

How do I even start to tell my teenager that alcohol can damage their developing brain, without using scare tactics? As I know that scare tactics do not seem to change behaviour with this age group.

You’re absolutely right. It’s far more urgent for teenagers to get the nod of the mob or the approval of the pack, than wishy-washy warnings about what it might do to their developing brains when they’re older. You could ask your school through the Head of the Personal Development Department (PE or PD Head) to have a strong unit on the developing brain and the effect of drugs and alcohol on that brain while it is developing. It also depends on how close your relationship is to your teenager. If you get on OK, they will listen, particularly if you put it in terms of what worries you about the effect of alcohol rather than a lecture on what they should do. Another idea is that as children are now very computer savvy, together look up the website such as reachout.com.au. At least that way it’s not a lecture, it’s all about learning.

How can I enforce ‘stricter’ rules on my teenager when it comes to alcohol consumption when he is already occasionally binge drinking? How do I ‘reverse the cycle’ so to say?

It’s worth every parent remembering that our children don’t drink alcohol because they enjoy it, they drink to get drunk! That way inhibitions go, they can be excused for silly or flirtatious behaviour and they feel they make more confident contact with the opposite sex. So it’s not an easy one to beat. If you, and his father, have set a good example with alcohol and if you have a good relationship with your son, then hopefully he’s just been experimenting rather than setting a life pattern. Nevertheless, the way to call it to order is not by grounding or lectures or any punishment for that matter – that just gets their back up. However, you can use consequences − punishment is something we inflict on our children; consequences are what they bring on themselves. If he’s not co-operating with your requests on alcohol (or any other thing for that matter), and if you feel he will just disobey your requests not to drink or not to go, then the consequence is that you will not co-operate with him. If you feel strongly about it, then you can refuse to cooperate to drive him to school, or do his washing or his laundry or his cooking…. not necessarily all of the above but just pull back on things you do for him, if he’s not prepared to cooperate with you. Usually I find that when parents take a stand like that, then children do change their behaviour. Remember that we can’t change their behaviour, we can only change our own and that forces them to change theirs. If that isn’t working then go with him (or without him if he refuses) to see an adolescent counsellor or clinical psychologist.

I have noticed on several occasions that my 14-year-old has come home intoxicated from a party. How do I talk to him or her about it and what do I even say?

There are some useful brochures available from any adolescent health unit on what to say to children about alcohol abuse. Again, a lot depends on the example you’ve set; if that has been alcohol abusive then children will copy. But the over-riding message is that he or she is under age, it’s doing damage to his or her body and brain if they drink to get drunk. You are the parent, it’s your duty to protect him or her so you will not be cooperating with her on things she wants from you (transport, washing etc), if she doesn’t co-operate with you. If she feels that’s totally unfair then together go and have a chat to the school counsellor or adolescent counsellor at the local area health service.

I do not want to have alcohol at my 15-year-old’s birthday party, but my daughter tells me that no one will come to the party and she will be laughed at by school friends as having a ‘crap’ party, a party that was ‘no fun’ and a ‘non-event’. What do I do?

Every parent has faced this pressure. Again, check with other parents about their rules and I think you will find that you’re not alone in opposing under-age drinking. My suggestion, if she feels under this much pressure, is to not have a party but to have a few friends around to celebrate her birthday. Most teenagers are good children and will quickly and easily adjust to your rules and have a great night. In fact they will probably feel very honoured that they were the chosen few.

Another idea is to suggest to your daughter that if she wants to allow alcohol at her party, she can have one when she has saved $1,000 as a deposit in case of damages, gate crashers, security services etc. I’m very serious about this. If you’ve read the damage that teens can do at parties then you know why I strongly urge you to consider this – it delays the party, gives a chance for their head (maturity) to catch up with their hormones and if they do hold that party, with a deposit paid, just watch how closely they monitor guests’ behaviour!

How do I let other parents know that I do not want my teenager to drink to the point of intoxication at their child’s party? How will they monitor the alcohol intake of all the children at their child’s party?

My big message is that just as teenagers have a peer group, so parents should. We can feel awfully alone, old-fashioned, out-gunned as we try to stand up to teen pressure. Phone those parents, they are probably under the same pressure that you are, and let them know how you feel. Chances are that they will value some support. We were meant to bring children up in a tribe but modern urban life, various pressures, building designs and town planning have created very lonely and vulnerable families. Any teenager who gets a consistent message from tribal elders, will take notice. United we stand, divided we fall… and then so do the children.

If I give my son a bottle of alcohol, I assume he will drink it in a responsible manner? Is that often the case or am I being a little naïve to assume that?

A lot depends on the age of the child, the circumstances, the example you’ve set, the alcoholic content of that bottle, the relationship you have with your son, his track record with alcohol etc. If he’s under-age, I would advise against it as it sends the wrong message. My stance on building responsibility in children is that they earn what they yearn. If they want mobile phones then you might pay for the unit but they pay for all calls. If they want gear or discs or CDs the same rules apply. And it certainly would apply to alcohol. Too many “busy” parents think they make up for lack of time with children by giving them the fruits of their labour and being a cool parent who supplies the six-pack for the child to take to the parties. That is not a good model, it creates expectant children who learn to substitute their wants for their needs, and it creates irresponsible adolescents. Don’t do it.