Expert advice for schoolies week

Q1. How can I keep my teenager safe from the influences of alcohol?

• The best way you can minimize risks to your teenager is to be a good role model yourself. Recent research is showing kids, tweens and teens copy much more of our drinking habits than we thought! Here’s a brief checklist that might be a handy guideline 
• Do both parents model responsible drinking behaviour?
• Does your teenager have good friends who behave reasonably and look after each other?
• Is your teenager involved in some sport or activity that is opposed to excess drinking and damage to mind and body?
• Is your teenager’s life story one that shows that they have been consistently able to make good decisions or do they tend to play up to the crowd or do silly things for attention and status?
• Does your teenager get on well and respect the same sex parent (ie boys and dad, girls and mum)?
• Is your teenager the type who learns from mistakes or do they go on repeating the same behaviours that have landed them in trouble before?
• Do you have, as a family, well understood and practiced rules about safe behaviour (eg pouring own drinks, keeping to a safe light limit with alcohol, neither driving after drinking nor being a passenger in a car with a driver who has been drinking etc)
• Have you talked about the dangers of alcohol (poorer judgement, long term brain damage, higher risk of accidents or violence or abuse or unprotected sex or pregnancies etc) – more importantly did they listen?

Q2. What advice can I give to my teenager about being responsible during schoolies?

 Have you noticed that the more advice you try to give teenagers, the less they listen - they either yawn, give you the “yes muuum”, or “I know what I’m doing” or look away, but never have I heard of a teenager saying “great advice, I’m so lucky to have such a wise mother/father!”
Really, advice on how to behave in Schoolies week is probably inevitable, as we do care and worry, but realistically it’s useless. How they behave in Schoolies week can generally be predicted by how they’ve handled themselves in the past – have they shown responsibility, have they been able to avoid nasty situations etc or have they made excuses – always somebody else’s fault, promises repeatedly broken etc.
They say that from birth to 6 years, we teach our kids, from 6 to 12 we guide them and from 13 + we pray for them.

Q3. My teenager is pressuring me into buying alcohol for schoolies. I don’t really want to be the only parent not buying alcohol for their child but I don’t want my child drinking at schoolies, what do I do?

Let me share an experience which taught me a big lesson in handling teen pressure like this. My third daughter was having a party and wanted to have it in the motel – “all the other girls are cool about it”, “you’re the only one, dad, that seems to have a problem” (my furrowed brow must have given me away). I asked for time to think about it. The next morning one of her friend’s mothers rang to ask if I was picking up her daughter to take her to “this thing you’ve organized”. After I finished spluttering about my innocence in having anything to do with the event, her words rang loud and clear and unforgettably, “well, none of us mums like the idea at all, but as she’s your daughter and you’re supposed to be the expert on kids, we thought we’d better go along with it!”

Phone a few parents of some of your friends who will be going to the same schoolies get-together as your teenager, see what they think about the alcohol issue and I will be very surprised if you don’t get a lot of support for the idea that you will not be supplying alcohol. You see, kids have their peer group which mounts huge pressure on them and on parents. Parents need their peer group too, to reassure them and to know how the rest of the parental tribe feels about the issues. Once you have the support of a few parents you will feel much easier, as I did, in going back to your teenager and saying “sorry, you won’t be taking alcohol, we parents feel it is not a good idea”. In fact if he/she feels under that much pressure then he/she probably needs to be thinking about whether a good friend would put that much pressure on another friend, anyhow. I know there’s the argument that if we don’t supply it then they may get too much of the wrong stuff, but they’re not 14 year olds. As young emerging adults they must take responsibility for themselves, and will only mature when they are given that trust and prove they can handle it.

Q4. What advice can I give to my child about dealing with peer pressure from other teenagers to drink irresponsibly?

We certainly have a binge drinking culture in Australia and recent reports and statements from police say it’s getting worse, particularly among girls. If your teenager has not been into binge drinking over the past year or so, then chances are that she/he has learnt how to handle that pressure, so take comfort in that. Maybe you can instill in your teenager some signals that he/she is putting himself/herself in harm’s way – are they allowing others to top or fill or serve them the alcohol? Are they drinking in a safe place where they can leave safely if they so wish? Are there lots of new “friends” in the group (that increases the tension and teens are more likely to drink more to relax or show that they’re “cool”)? Are they forgetting to intersperse a glass of water between any drinks? Do their friends have a habit of irresponsible drinking?

Q5. How can I convince my child that celebrating schoolies is not all about drinking alcohol?

To be honest, at their age, and at this point in their life when they see freedom beckoning, you really can’t convince them about anything. When you think about it, the word “experience” is a nice name we give to our mistakes. They can’t learn by lecture or osmosis, they will learn from experience as we did, let’s just pray that life is kind to them as they gain this experience.
If they have good friends, if they have a generally healthy lifestyle and if they’re going somewhere that has lots to do, other than drink, chances are that they’ll work it out for themselves. I’ve known of many “schoolies” that think they’ll paint the town red, they may try for a day or two, but a combination of red faces, red sunburnt backs, spending money now moved into the red… soon gets them settling down to healthier and happier activities.

Q6. How do I find out whether other parents are buying alcohol for their child to take to schoolies?

You could phone them. It wouldn’t be cool behaviour in the eyes of your teenager but do they care about behaving in ways that are cool to you? Better still, set an example. Let anyone who asks know that you won’t be supplying alcohol and your confident stance could help them decide to follow suit.. and everyone is better off.

Q7. What are the health risks of buying my teenager alcohol to take to schoolies?

Probably the best people to ask about this would be staff at A and E crisis care services at the hospital – they have the sad and sorry job of trying to pick up the pieces that binge drinking produces. But it’s not only dangers to body and limb, it’s dangers of pregnancy, of STD’s, of liver and organ damage, of damage to a developing brain and of course fractured friendships from disinhibited behaviour.
On another level, if you supply alcohol, your teenager is going to be identified as a supplier and will be under more pressure to keep up the supply once your generous stash has expired. 

Q8. I really don’t think our teenage children should be drinking alcohol. How do I express my views about alcohol consumption to other parents, without ostracizing my child socially?

This is a delicate one – we’re already an embarrassment to our kids, without flaunting it by telling our teens’ friends’ parents how to behave. All you can do is lead by loving but firm example and hope that others are looking and listening. Remember no parent of teenagers is all that confident – how can you be when our kids are at such a judgemental, anti-parent, turbulent stage? Every parent is looking for leads from others in the parent tribe, so without any advertising, you stance will be helpful.

Q9. What are the risks associated with intoxication for teenagers?

Fortunately most of the effects are short lived and young bodies are very adaptable. But the risks to body and brain from intoxication and from regular alcohol overuse are only now being identified. Certainly it’s clear that teens who drink regularly and heavily are much more likely to be problem drinkers in later years. Certainly the adolescent brain is not fully mature so intoxication and alcohol abuse can do permanent damage. But it’s the loss of control and judgement that does the most damage – that can lead to fights, accidents, pregnancies – mistakes that can last a lifetime.

Q10. What are some of the suggestions I can provide my child as alternatives to drinking to get drunk during schoolies?

• I don’t think you can tell your teenager anything, but if you have a good relationship with him/her, then here are a few ideas – 
  look positively at the whole schoolies exercise as an adventure for your emerging young adult – in other words be a wet sail to motivate and inspire rather than a wet blanket and kill-joy
• maybe help procure and research the brochures from travel agents or Google some of the possibilities up in that holiday area – places to go, low cost restaurants, places to see, trips to be had, boat expeditions off the coast, good shopping areas etc – but don’t organize it all for your teenager – do it with them or for them maybe but if you step in and take over, it’s no longer their adventure
• they won’t want to visit your relatives up that way so probably don’t go there
• maybe set up agreed times that you can call/phone – for reassurance and to share their enjoyment and ideas on things to be done
• keep in mind that if your son/daughter has good friends, this will be one of their biggest adventures in their life to this point
• maybe make it clear before they leave that you won’t be responding to text messages that read something like “Hi mum, no mon, send some!” – idle time and spare cash are not a safe combination for many teenagers.

Q11 Do you have any tips for parents in how to handle the whole alcohol issue domestically, there’s so much of it around I don’t want to be a wowser but don’t know how to get the balance right?

That’s a hard balancing act but here are some of my top tips to be a drink-wise parent
1. Drink wisely and within safe limits - under present guidelines from the Medical research Council, that would mean no more than one drink per day for women and no more than two drinks per day for men
2. Have a few good healthy habits with any drinking - such as drinking water first before any alcohol, having non alcoholic drinks (eg tea, water) interspersed between alcoholic drinks etc
3. Do not glorify alcohol or alcoholic excesses in front of the kids – remember kids may not do as we tell them but they do tend to copy
4. Do not use alcohol at all if it leads to mood swings, depression, abuse or family friction – if so then you need professional help not alcohol
5. Have clear, healthy and consistent attitudes to your drinking and be prepared to show and share those with the kids… and be open to their comments too
6. Make it clear that drinking is not for everyone – not for children while their brains are growing, not for those with a drinking problem, not for pregnant women or people on certain medications and not for people who are driving or using dangerous equipment
7. If you do not drink then make sure that the kids know why you don’t but that you’re prepared to talk about alcohol and drinking at any time – other wise they will experiment and get maybe misinformation elsewhere
8. Have good healthy communication habits at home – the dinner table is a very good place to talk to kids about anything and everything – if kids feel close to and loved by parents they are less likely to use alcohol to dull emotional pain or reduce loneliness or to need alcohol to communicate
9. Be very clear as to when, where, how and why you use alcohol – if it’s an addiction or used inappropriately then kids are more likely to copy
10. Do not use scare tactics regarding alcohol with the kids – some kids like a dare, and what’s more if their drinking experience doesn’t match your warnings then your advice on other matters will also be ignored. 

Q12. Is it safe for my teenager to be drinking?

In some ways answering this question is akin to saying is it safe to drive on the roads. There’s an element of risk in every facet of life – safety on roads, on beaches, in shops, at restaurants, in the playground, eating processed food, drinking tap water – I suppose I’m verging on the absurd in the above to help me answer this question. I can find no evidence that sharing the odd small glass of wine occasionally or diluted version of some alcoholic drink does any long term or short term damage – kids in Europe have been drinking as part of the family culture for thousands of years – and I, for one, am not game to say that Europeans are brain dead!
Our problem is not the alcohol but it’s the binge drinking culture in Australia and a few other countries where the goal is not just to enjoy the odd alcoholic beverage but to get drunk – and that’s where the damage is being done, apparently to increasing rather than decreasing levels in our communities.

The teenager’s brain (particularly the frontal or executive lobe) is still developing – insult to that brain while in developmental phase puts the kids at some risk – the level of risk depends on their age, sex, amount and alcoholic level/percentage in the drink consumed, hydration level, with food or alone etc. The risk is small if the kids are drinking very small amounts and if they’re in their older adolescent years etc. So I don’t want to get too prudish over this as alcohol is part of our culture, and to condemn it totally would not only render my advice impractical but I would be hypocritical. I do think we should take a much stronger line about our parental drink modelling, about serving alcohol to young kids, about glorifying alcohol, about relying on alcohol as our social Vaseline etc.

Probably the better wording here, rather than “is it safe for my teenager to be drinking” would be “is my child at risk of alcohol damage if we as parents do not have very safe and healthy alcohol practices in our family” – the answer to that is a resounding YES!

Q13. How can I convince my teenager that they do not need to drink excessively at schoolies? I don’t want them to believe that every celebration requires alcohol.

It is extremely difficult to convince any teenager that parents know better. Once they get to high school and sense emerging adulthood, their reference group (who they listen to), switches away from parents to the peer group. So if parents are saying or demanding  things that are contrary to the peer group, chances are the parents’ advice will be the one to be shafted. That doesn’t mean trying to be your teenager’s best friend and being one of the “cool” group – kids have their own friends, what they need from us is good parenting. That means listening, leading by example, setting fair but firm rules about behaviour at home – things parents can control. But what they do when they’re away from us is not within our control. If we’ve set good examples, been involved in their lives, had good times together, then hopefully lessons learnt will see them through their emerging adventures.

So if your example as parents has been that you don’t drink excessively, that you don’t feel that every celebration requires alcohol, then there’s a fair chance that they will copy. With kids of any age, most life lessons are more caught than taught!

Q14.  What are the five most important things I should tell my child about how to be safe when drinking at schoolies?

I’m more inclined to go with questions they can ask of themselves rather than things we “tell” them – questions invite answers, advice invites rejection. I’ve added a sixth, hope you don’t mind my disobedience.
1. Friends – are they with good, reliable friends who will keep an observant eye on one another and will take care to ensure safety of each other?.
2. Hydration – are they keeping up their water levels, preferably between any alcoholic drinks?
3. Location – are they drinking in a safe environment which they can easily leave if feeling threatened or where they can’t possibly be compromised by dis-inhibited, alcohol fuelled revellers?
4. Intake – are they in charge of pouring and serving their own alcohol so they know what they’re drinking and how much?
5. Fitness – are they maintaining healthy life style habits (eg healthy eating, exercise, lost of laughing, even some sleeping) so their body and brain can manage any alcohol?
6. Attitude – are the drinking to enjoy social chat-chat and friendship or are they really drinking to get drunk?

Q15. How should I talk to my teenager about schoolies. Should I be authoritative, or their friend, or give them space?

Research has found that up to 90% of what we communicate to our kids is not in the words we use but the way we use them and the body language that goes with them. Try not to treat your talk about “schoolies” any different to the way you would discuss any issue with them. If they see and feel you care, that you’re encouraging them to have a good time, then that support and trust will do more to rein them in than any curfew or rules you might set! Think back to when you were their age; I’ll guarantee that the biggest harness you had on your behaviour was the trust that your parents had in you to do the right thing. If parents work on threats and mistrust, teenagers tend to live down to their expectations!

Q16. I’m worried about my child being at risk when they are drinking. How can I protect them without being there?

You can’t! However what you’ve done over the past 18 years in educating them how to be responsible with alcohol and how to avoid alcoholic traps, will be their best protection. Putting it more crudely, frankly you’ve had your chance , if you’ve lived by good example, attitudes and alcohol consumption practices, then the advice is already ingrained in their brains. If you haven’t, then nothing you can do now is going to make much difference, other than make them want to get as far away from parental hypocrisy as possible. They say that in the formative years of a child’s life, they idolise their parents, in the turbulent years they judge them… hopefully they live long enough to forgive them for all their imperfections. 

Q17. How do I approach the subject of schoolies with other parents? I want to be able to ensure that they are not buying my child more alcohol than the limit I have set

That’s not a good way to tackle your protective urges. The best you can do is to get a confident and comfortable agreement with your own teenager. I wouldn’t be supplying their alcohol – if they have money for the holiday, then how they spend it and how much alcohol they buy is a good lesson in itself. What’s more if you supply alcohol, it will quickly be known that your child is a supplier and that will put more expense and more pressure on your teenager to maintain the supply.
Don’t even try to tell other parents how to behave. Would you appreciate it if they came over to tell you how to bring up your child.
But there’s another point behind this attitude, too. We are still doing the control thing which teenagers loathe. How can we ask them to be responsible if we’re taking all the responsibility for them?

Whether we like it or not, parents are the single most important influence on the drinking habits their growing children develop. If we use alcohol responsibly, if we have clear, consistent and healthy rules about alcohol use at home, if we do not serve alcohol to children and if we have good contact and communication with our kids then there’s every chance that they will grow up drink-wise.

Dr John Irvine